DECEMBER 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice guy, We're glad he's our neighbor.
DECEMBER 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to 15º. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
DECEMBER 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's a little silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
DECEMBER 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for a 1/2 hour, which I think was very cruel.
DECEMBER 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity has been off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. Gosh, I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
DECEMBER 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to take a leak. By the time I got undressed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to 0º. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn't ask she me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-seacook who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a hundred miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the gosh-darn snowplow.
December 25: Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation for his volunteer fire department. I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30º, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all the pipes.
December 28: Warmed up to above -20º. Still snowed in. The b--ch is driving me crazy!!!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard of. How dumb does he think I am?
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they give me. Why am I tied to the bed?